"This is a bad land for gods"

don’t call it a comb back, i’ll have hair for years.
im scared, im scared that my abilities are gone, i’m scared that im gonna fuck this up and im scared of you.
i don’t want to start, but i will.
this is a Invocation for anyone who hasn’t begun, who’s stuck in a terrible place between zero and one.

let me realize that my past failure’s at follow thru are no indication of my future performance there just healthy little fires that are going to warm up my ass.

if my fildi is strong let me keep him in a velvet box until i really really need him, if my fildi is weak let me feed him oranges and not let him gorge himself on ego and arrogance.

let me not hit up my facebook like its a crack pipe, keep the browser closed.

if i catch myself wearing a tutu, two fat, two late, two old, let me shake it off like a donkey would shake off something it doesn’t like.

and when i get that feeling in my stomach you know the feeling when all the sudden you get a ball of energy when it shoots down in to your legs and up in to your arms and tells you to get up and stand up and go to the refrigerator and get a cheese sandwich, that’s my cheese monster talking and my cheese monster will never be satisfied by chedder, only the cheese of accomplishment.

let me think about the people i care about the most and how when they fail or disappoint me i still love them i still give them chances and i still see the best in them, let me extend that generosity to myself.

let me find and use metaphors to help my understand the world around me and give me the strength to get rid of them when its apparent they no longer work.

let me thank the parts of me that i don’t understand or are out of my rational control like my creativity and my courage and let me remeber that my courage is a wild dog it won’t just come when i call it, i have to chase it down and hold on as tight as i can.

let me not be so vain to think that im the sole author of my victories and a victim of my defeates.

let me remember that the unintended meaning that people project onto what i do is neither my fault or something that i can take credit for.

perfectionism may look good in his shiny shoes, he’s a little bit of a asshole and no one invites him to their pool parties.

let me remember that the impact of criticism is often not the intent of the critic, but when the intent is evil, that’s what the block button’s for.

and when i eat my critique let me be able to separate out the good advice from the bitter herbs.

[double speak (questionable)]
low: A big impact on a few can be worth more than a small impact
high: There are few people who won’t be disarmed by a genuine smile
[/double speak]

let me not think of my work only as a stepping stone to something else and if it is let me become fascinated with the shape of the stone, let me take the idea that got me this far and put it to bed, what im about to do will not be that, but it will be something.

there’s no need to sharpen my pencils anymore, my pencils are sharp enough, even the dull ones will make a mark, warts and all, lets start this shit up.

and god let me enjoy this, life isn’t just a sequence of waiting for things to be done.

So congratulations, North Carolina. Last night, you struck a decisive blow for loneliness. And tonight, as you go to sleep beside your heterosexual life mate, you can rest assured that all across your great state, a gay man or lesbian woman is crying themselves to sleep in solitude and making your relationship stronger with each tear.